not writing 30

September 27, 2007 at 2:03 pm | Posted in Gratitude | 2 Comments

So the big three-oh came and went.  And if you ask me how it feels now, I have to say it’s a bit disorienting.  For a brief moment I was fearful.  It felt like the past 29 years were a waste of time, and I got to thinking how did I spend all of them and why I was doing the things I like only now.  But then again I came to realize it may have been necessary to learn the lessons from all those years because now I know that the past 29 years made me smart enough to know what I do know now.  There were things I wanted back then and there are things I still want, but waiting is probably the smartest thing I can do right now.

People spend their lives at breakneck speeds, some people stand still and refuse to take action.  At thirty I can safely put myself in between.  Life can still be hurried and mad at times.  There are deadlines, and there are challenges to be hurdled, there’s a marathon to run in January and a race to train for in February.  There are summits to reach and more yoga poses to strike.  There are more lessons to learn and there are still responsibilities to live with.  And there is a gap, a huge gaping hole that remains unfilled.  But I like things the way they are now.  I see relationships all around me falling into pieces, I see people hurting, scared, angry and dejected.  But inside there’s an inner peace I’ve found which I know no one can take away anymore.  At thirty, I have learned to claim that spot and own it.

I used to laugh over how they say life begins at a certain age.  But it’s really true.  At thirty, I have learned to push aside the fear and the uncertainty, and realize that indeed, life begins the moment you decide it’s time.

It feels like I’m starting anew.  And it is my time.

i think this blog is dying…

August 1, 2007 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Blogging, Bluehearts, Friends, Getting a Life, Gratitude, Musings and Epiphanies, Positivity, Raves, Travels, UP Mountaineers | 3 Comments

i just don’t have the time to write anything important anymore. i have about seven drafts in my inbox, and none has gone past the publish button. i always decide to save them up after getting into them for about three paragraphs or so. i wanted to write about relationships and how i feel i don’t need them, but what’s the use. so instead of ranting with words i’m bound to eat later anyway, let me just tell you what is in store for me in the next few weeks.

Continue Reading i think this blog is dying……

goodbye

June 21, 2007 at 5:03 pm | Posted in Akbayan, Friends, Gratitude, Politics, Positivity, S511 | 4 Comments

the one word i will never say to my comrades.  as alice said in closer — you never leave the one you love.

it just  tickles me that on the same day i am officially “released”, a letter to the editor comes out in the philippine daily inquirer bearing my name. it was actually a statement i wrote for the boss a few weeks back.  dumb old me forgot to put her name on it, and the email i sent the inquirer desk apparently had my signature on it, so the letter was accredited to me.

Continue Reading goodbye…

yes, iona, you’re right. no need to talk about THAT anymore.

May 24, 2007 at 5:50 pm | Posted in Gratitude, Positivity | Leave a comment

You should never hold a grudge long enough to become accustomed to its weight. It’s time you realized that your feelings of anger are hurting you much more than they’re hurting their object. Embrace forgiveness today, and understand that you can’t control how other people choose to live their lives. Any slights or rude behavior should roll right off your back. Blaming other people for how they make you feel isn’t healthy. Just smile, take a deep breath, and let it go.”

This, THIS, was the advice I have always needed.  That year wouldn’t have been so bad had I known this. And believe me, I didn’t know any better.  But now that I do I am posting this in front of my desk just so I can keep repeating it to myself when I feel like going back.

sunrays and saturdays

March 15, 2007 at 2:03 pm | Posted in Gratitude, Music | Leave a comment

promise — no more bitterness.  maybe now i can say, after all is said and done, after i have gone through my own soul searching and after i’ve been able to put everything in perspective — that i can be friends again with all those guys. not a lot of them, i know, and maybe not all are worth it.  but i can stand up to them and say hey or hi and not feel anything. because i have moved on.

“even though it never worked, i still feel love for you”.  or maybe not love, but at least some measure of goodwill. life’s too short to spend wishing ill of people who never bothered to call you back, or didn’t have your back, or turned their back on you or never looked back. not even because that’s part of what being the real deal is all about.  but because it’s just right.

because sometimes one needs to pat himself in the back

April 1, 2006 at 5:15 pm | Posted in Gratitude, Musings and Epiphanies, the L word | 4 Comments

Song of the Moment: N o White Flag by Dido
To Do (tasks, not people): move on
Current State: stronger than I think
~~~~~~~~~~

M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Myself

FROM: Prof. Better Judgment and Ms. Sensibility

RE: last night

DATE: April 1, 2006; 4 a.m.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Cruz,

This is to inform you that your judgments remain seldom off the mark, and that you do know better and you HAVE grown, no matter what other people might think.

We are impressed with your tact and your ability to stay calm despite an otherwise embarassing episode in which had it been you two years ago that was there, a scene might have ensued.

We also commend the exemplary courage you displayed in letting go. You are well-advised not to dwell and try to make sense of something that obviously doesn’t make sense. It is better to continue treading the path you are on now. We are particularly elated that you are giving serious thought to taking up a new hobby aside from trekking and we hope that you do get to pursue those interests that have your adrenaline rushing everytime you talk about them.

We have reviewed and assessed the goals you have set for yourself last year. The goals you said you would like to achieve before you turn 29, and sad to say it seems that only a couple of goals have reached consummation — your stated goal of cultural exposure and mountain climbing. Quitting smoking, learnign a foreign language and taking on vegetarianism seem to have dropped from your consciousness and we would liek to remind you that it is necessary to develop these goals in order to achieve the healthy and well-rounded lifestyle you so earnestly desire.

We would also like to remind you that just because you get it wrong a lot doesn’t mean you will get it wrong for ever. It does help, Mr. Cruz, to be aware of your patterns and your deeply-embedded emotional responses, but you cannot be anyone else except who you are. You deserve respect, but you have to give it to yourself before anybody else does. Always remember that.

Finally, please stop listening to love songs. The singer didnt have you in mind when they wrote/sang it. It’s time to create your own melody. In more ways than one.

Thank you for your time and we hope that we have been of help once again.

_end.
file – V:/Lifelessons/docus/memo#c3

clarity

February 14, 2006 at 6:23 pm | Posted in Getting a Life, Gratitude, Musings and Epiphanies, Something about Nothing, the L word | Leave a comment

more than anything else right now, i pray for discernment. so on a day when everybody is with someone else, i conciously choose to be by myself. if only for a few hours. and so it will go down once this is up. because beyond the sad struggle of a face, i must learn how to love myself above anybody else.

This Year

September 23, 2004 at 9:31 pm | Posted in Gratitude, Positivity | 2 Comments

“All the planets are lining up for me. This year, I’m going to have fun.” – Chantal Kreviazuk

***

Emily Saliers pleaded with the resting soul of Galileo to tell her exactly how long till her soul gets it right. I often find myself asking the same question. Who wants to live a life and have to look back at nothing but mistakes, right?

I feel like my life choices have been more frequently wrong than right. Thinking like this makes me think that what I’ve done with my life so far doesn’t amount to much.

Continue Reading This Year…

adulthood

June 17, 2004 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Ennui, Gratitude, the L word | 2 Comments

There must be a word for this, when time has moved on and the 25th hour is over, yet you feel at ease for the good it has done to you. When you know happiness is a choice, and it is only the path to it that you have to figure out. When you know that letting go isn’t always goodbye.

Continue Reading adulthood…

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