clarity of purpose

January 3, 2008 at 1:39 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

my mom and i are chumps who, under the pretext of avoiding the noise and the pollution, go to those countdowns on new year’s eve.  for the past two years we’ve gone to the (ehem) kapuso countdowns because they’re generally civilized and the fireworks are fantastic.  never mind the variety show that precedes it, the fireworks obviously cost something north of millions.

anyway we’re going home and got on an FX.  which was rather odd because historically going home had always been a bummer during these countdowns. but 08 started off well enough i guess.  so there we were sitting comfortably in the back.  never mind the jacked up fare.  at least we were going home.

and then i noticed there was this guy sitting in front of me.  beside him and across from where i sat was my mom.  okay, no, i swear this isn’t about boys again and how yummy they are.  it’s about something else. let me get to my point.

anyway he had this johnny depp thing going on with him — shoulder length hair, short goatee and that “atchaka”, and he was fair skinned which is right up my alley.  in short i thought he was cute.  as we made our way through the midnight streets of cold haze and fireworks smoke  we would make eye contact several times. and no, again, this isn’t about serendipitous moments or some finding-the-love-of-my-life shit i used to crow about.  i’m not saying this to wonder whether he was interested or not — though i can contend he was, hehe.

my point simply is that there before my very eyes was my own aruba nights dillema.  the moment was pregnant with representations, and conferred a certain level of clarity of purpose for me. my mom gets sleepy and starts to doze off while the FX ran the highway.  i reach out in front of me to hold her head high so she won’t hit it against the door.  he looks at me, and then my mom, feebly smiles and then looks away.  i could almost read his mind.  “you have a great son ma’am, and he’ll find himself a great guy someday — just not today.” because i know what the lifestyle demands, and how you stand in the community when you have the sort of responsibilities i do.

i don’t stay out all night.  i don’t take care of my body.  i don’t over stack on hair products.  i don’t even have a circle of gay friends.   i’m on the outside looking in and part of me doesn’t want to go in, because i am held back by what i need to do.

that was the clarity i gained that night.  it’s so tempting to go off in search of my own aruba nights, but at the end of the day i still go home to a house where i pay for everything, including the whims and medications of a septuagenarian single-parent household mom. i’m not as independent as some people i know.  i have to make peace with that, and boys fly by my sight every now and then, but knowing what i do know about the community, i’m not one of those people who come with the most marketable credentials — think no sleep overs, no moving in together, no shared family dinners, no nothing like that crap.  and i’m perfectly fine with it.

which is not to say i’m taking myself out of the game. far from it.  in fact if dates come along then fine.  but a gradual shuffling of priorities set my head straight the past few months.  i have a plan.  no deviating.  it’s time to let others tell the story of love as it unfolds in their own pathetic puny little lives.  i’m building an empire.  and it’s more exciting than heartaches, hehehe.

 

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  1. hi there vince, i just read this peace and my heart was broken. i just didn’t realize this struggle of yours back then. hope you’re happier now where you are


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