January 12, 2007 at 7:44 am | Posted in Affiliations, Musings and Epiphanies, Regret, The Side of Me You Didn't Know | Leave a comment

a part of me couldn’t believe what i was saying last night. but i guess i needed to hear myself speak out on how i really felt. i told a couple of friends how i can put up with a lot of shit, but i felt my limits have been overextended.

i know how i’m doing, and i know there’s more i can do. but what for? when you’re around so many things you just can’t take,  it takes away the fun in what you’re doing.

how did it get to be this way, i don’t know for sure.  somewhere along the way i guess i just had so many letdowns that inevitably, the option of walking away just opened. and i hate to think i’m just seeing my own pain, so maybe i need to do some soul-searching about what i really want in life, and where i want to be years from now.  funny. back in 2000 i had an idea where i’d be today. and i got it. but now, i want to do some more serious thinking, and imagine where i’d be in 2010.

i’m caught between a familiar place and the great unknown. and a part of me is saying that’s what adventures are all about.  but real life demands more than following whims and impulses.  to take that leap requires a no small amount of courage. and i’m afraid that’s something i do not have in abundance.

i only have just about enough strength to say the one true thing for now: i am not happy here. what am i to do about it? i can put up with it again and again, or do something about it. after all i am essentially a people pleaser, and what pleasure it will be if i’m not around where i’m not needed anymore.


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