all my friends are going to be strangers (apologies to mcmurtry)

May 15, 2006 at 8:32 pm | Posted in Friends, Musings and Epiphanies | 5 Comments

what i have learned from recent weeks is that it doesn’t pay to try to please everyone all the time. when things fall apart, what you end up with is a leaner set of friends. it’s taking some time to get used to, but i’m glad that the tough ones have chosen to stick around.


Song of the Moment: Bad Day, Daniel Powter
To Do (tasks, not people): stop spending
Current State: exhausted, in more ways than one
~~~~~~~~~~

what i have learned from recent weeks is that it doesn’t pay to try to please everyone all the time. when things fall apart, what you end up with is a leaner set of friends. it’s taking some time to get used to, but i’m glad that the tough ones have chosen to stick around.

i’d say 2002 was the last year that my friends’ list really jumped the charts, with peyups accounting for most of the new people i let into my life. today that list has dwindled down to about a dozen or so good friends and a handful of really intimate contacts, with cess above everyone else. i’m just saying this because from now on i want to be more guarded and choosy when it comes to making friends. it sounds so unhealthy to frame it like this, given i can be a very sociable person given the right mood.

but it is traumatic to let someone into your head and into your thoughts and your feelings and in the end feel like this knowledge was used against you. and to top it all off, when the culprit is not even apologetic for what she has done, it is doubly hard to deal with. i’m still smarting from that anawangin episode. to have a person lie to your face for a long time and find that you’ve been led on? to feel like you’ve been used as a defense mechanism to protect her own interests? nobody should ever have to deal with that kind of a friend.

that’s my side of the story and yet i feel like there’s no one who even wants to hear it. the people in the know are either mum, or have consciously taken me out of his email list. i’m the injured party and yet i feel like i’m alone on my side.

eileen and cess and iona will naturally lend me a sympathetic ear; it’s not their circle. i want a POV that was right there when it all happened, and i’m not getting it and it pisses me off big time to feel like the friends who knew what happened are letting it pass by just like that. within ourselves i feel like someone has to do a lot of explaining and i’m the one who is now outside looking in and i don’t like it. the outside is usually for those who have done wrong, and i have done no such thing.

in general, it is not an exaggeration to say that i find my friends list unbelievably shorter this year than last. it feels like i lost people left and right in a span of months for a variety of reasons: incompatible personalities, finances, and betrayal. that’s a heavy load. people are used to severing ties with one or two friends at a time — not almost their entire list of buddies.

turning the thing around on me, i find that it is my desire to keep the peace at all cost that is probably at the bottom of all this. instead of speaking my mind, i choose to keep quiet. the result is that i have allowed all the resentment and the anger build up within that when i could no longer contain it the only solution available was to severe my ties with these people.

i’m not afraid of burning bridges but it is not a habit i keep, claims to the contrary notwithstanding. but there is something about loose ends that bug me big time, and it is retribution i seek.

the task i now set for myself is how to find peace without resorting to the formula of reproach and forgiveness. the anger i felt towards these so-called friends may have subsided, but there is simply no looking back. the letdown is just beyond repair. and maybe it’s just time to cue d’sound’s ‘people are people’ and do as it says.

and indeed, the good thing about this is that nowadays i am beginning to learn how to truly stand on my own. i can go anywhere i want without having to yell for companionship, and i can be free to try out things without having to depend on the old people i used to rely on. iyo ang kapangyarihang maglakbay ng hindi nakakapit sa kamay nino man.

and in time i should learn: friendships are the longest relationships we’ll ever keep. and it takes a hell of an investment just to find which ones are worth keeping and which ones are not.

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5 Comments »

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  1. heyyy vince! πŸ™‚ thanks for letting me in your circle of friends! πŸ™‚ heehee i’ll be here lang when you need just about anything! πŸ™‚

    i like how you write! you write well! πŸ™‚ i usually just browse through ppl’s journals pero somehow your entries got me hooked!
    you kinda remind me of myself πŸ™‚ except for the part i said you write well….. i dont write hahahah πŸ˜› anyway see you next week! πŸ™‚ and, about the chinese folks thing.. ethnicity really doesn’t make a difference, dude.

  2. ooops, sorry about that chelsea, sometimes i get sucked into steretypes. wehehehe!!!

  3. Larry McMurtry gets credit for saying, “all of my friends are going to be strangers”but I am trying to track down who really said it first. Guess I could ask Larry but Google gave me you. So cough it up or give it back to the west texans

    St.Gubie

    atlanta

  4. keep searching.

  5. The title of McMurtry’s book is also the title of a Merle Haggard song.


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