the transaction

January 12, 2006 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Song of the Moment: Other Side of the world, KT Tunstall
To Do (tasks, not people): finish transcriptions
Current State: thankful
~~~~~~~~~~

if there is one fight i never want to pick with a friend, it would be one about money.

i distinctly remember carrie going all the way uptown to charlotte’s flat asking her, ‘why won’t you lend me money?’ at a time when aidan was trying to evict her from their apartment. and charlotte was pretty clear: she did not want money to ever become an issue between the two of them. of course charlotte ended up pawning her ring (from trey) to help carrie buy aidan out of her apartment.

needless to say, so many friendships have been torn apart by money. promises broken are easier to deal with if they do not carry a price tag. unfortunately this time, i am the one playing out the debtor role. some amount i owe isn’t supposed to be an issue, but i really feel like this friend has been avoiding me for quite some time because the holidays passed and i hadn’t been able to give back the money i owe.

and yet, this very same friend knows exactly the financial situation i am in, and is in quite a powerful position to understand exactly why i am unable to do so. and i took her word for it when she said ‘there is no pressure’, and when i said ‘yes, i will pay’ she repeated the exact same words.

the awful news is that an expected cash inflow has not yet materialized. iona offers to make up for it which i am wont to do because that’s like juggling one’s debt around.

the point is, i took on the words at face value. ‘there is no pressure’. and when i broke the news that the money won’t be available until later this month, the words she sent were “kaya nga tinatanong kita dyan kung kaya mong magbayad o hindi eh”. and knowing her, that wasn’t said out loud with no sarcasm behind it. i just don’t get the tone she took on. and she takes it on a lot, even when i am late, or when i am texting her and she doesn’t reply and i send her e-load and she tells me i ruined her credit line or something.

i mean i do know what i owe, and i am assuming responsibility for it. but between friends who know exactly where each other stands, and between two people who know exactly what life the other one is living — what the hell was that?

maybe i was just expecting a little more compassion and a little less rigidity. and silly old passive-agressive me, i am again hesitant to force her hand for a showdown. i’m bugged by all this, and the evil part of me would like to tell her ‘kung alam ko lang na manunumbat ka sana hindi ko na hiniram ang perang ikaw naman ang nag-offer.’

and to think she knew exactly where the money went because she was there all the time. yes, as upsetting and embarassing as this sounds — i spent the money for my mom’s birthday.

i am so ashamed to do this but between me and cess, for example, so much money had passed between us and we never end up accounting for them. we’re so conjugal. walang bilangan. and most ideal, eileen and i who never even owe each other.

i guess there’s a lesson to be learned in this. i’ll stick with my budget, and if i do pick out a financial adviser it would be one who wouldn’t make me feel so bad about my spending habits and my lifestyle expenses, which isn’t even that much to begin with. liquidity is synonymous to freedom, it seems.

i still love my friend, and i am confident we’ll make it past this. but this one just leaves a mark and i am not forgetting it anytime soon.

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