December 21, 2005 at 2:47 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Song of the Moment: Human by the Pretenders
To Do (tasks, not people): buy some last-minute gifts
Current State: suicidal

my budget is a wreck and this morning someone stuck chewed gum on the handle of the jeepney i rode to work and it got stuck on the sleeve of my favorite denim jacket and this cheap shirt i bought for less than 200 pesos is not so comfortable after all and jae gave me a nice chritmas gift to supposedly help my lovelife and i haven’t eaten lunch and instead bought some food from migs which is such an unsanitary place because it’s damp and dirty and crowded and flies and rats are probably holding a fiesta in the kitchen and i am staring at my food now and seem to have lost my appetite and i am still online checking e-mail dropping in on exchanges between tune and hazel and joey and i can’t follow the conversation and will probably just chat them up tomorrow when we go watch a madrigal concert at philam if my stomach doesn’t get upset from tonight’s dinner with vyke and nina and thinking about how much i’m spending and my mom is spending has got me upset and all down down down down so i look to the stars to see if better days lie ahead but my horoscope doesn’t say anything about you and my suki drops by and i cough up the money i owe her for the flan and we make small talk and she leaves and i go on to take pics of ric’s baby and the digicam is not taking very good pictures and marty casey’s got me down with such a beautiful version of wish you were here and now it’s over and michelle branch is singing one of these days and i skip her to go to migs ayesa playing baby i love your way and yes, i do, i really do, and all i really want to say is i love you, i do, and if there was any way i could see you i probably would tell you and add to that how much i miss you and even if it doesn’t make sense what i feel is true and now i am left wondering whether i should even put this up on my blog and let everyone know i’m dying inside, but they probably know that already because i’ve been dead for the longest time and if it isn’t work then it is just probably the season, or probably the junk i took last night, but look here, natalie’s singing the song you wanted to hear and you’re anywhere but here and and a part of me says that’s how you should always be but the better part of me says that’s wrong because i would have taken a chance with you if you hadn’t closed yourself to the possibility and even though you lasted no longer than the sunrise would let you, i just want to say that the sun hasn’t risen since then and it all feels like one long sunset and i will probably live out this winter the way i did before october 13 and this is the last time i will speak of you again because good things can only stay the way they are if you stop talking about them and cease from putting too much ifs and buts on them and if i ever see you again i will probably just kiss you the way we kissed in front of so many people a lot of whom were homophobes and i will move on, i know i will, but this is just to say that i’m okay i’m great i could be happier but i am resigned to this and i am not dead, only better with each day that i learn how to stand on my own.



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  1. gosh… there’s so little i know about you… sino tong engots na to na nagpakawala sa yo? kasi naman, dear, “akin ka na lang”… 😀

  2. naaaah, i doubt. i hope i’ve answered your question kanina. hehehehe. see you tomorrow!

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