retrograde

November 2, 2005 at 6:22 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Song of the Moment: Tender, Blur and Wake Up, Alanis Morissette
To Do (tasks, not people): watch Rockstar INXS reruns on 5
Current State: rejuvenated
~~~~~~~~~~


the past few days i’ve been going through some backtracking. i don’t know if any swift-moving planet is in retrograde right now. but in any case, it’s a case of “re-“ing everything, it seems.

i started re-reading veronika decides to die last night. coelho talks a lot of BS. i’m ditching him. tell me something i don’t know yet. and if i don’t know it yet, don’t talk it down to me, por favor.

i am re-acquainting myself with reality TV. i’ve realized it’s not healthy to invest emotions into contestants. i thought the gaghans were so-so before, but i never realized daddy was a daddy-oh! and the kids were wonderful and bright until i actually sat down for today’s episode all throughout only to see them get the boot.

i am re-investing in my friends. last saturday cess and i met up at market market. my new favorite mall in the universe, because guess what — there’s like, only five people on the whole building!! yey! and we watched a movie called doom and made fun of the rock’s acting and swooned over karl urban. and then we had coffee and relived the stories of the past month we lost between us and it was ugly and sad, but aja, aja it is. then last sunday it was marnie’s turn and we bummed around gateway til midnight. we made a promise to tell if eurotel can really boast of good facilities if either one of us gets picked up in the area in the future.

i re-acquainted myself with a short-lived hobby last week, which i hope i could do more often. it’s funny how people talk about their own silent, private spaces often, and how no one seems to find one in this overpopulated city? i think i found my own spot. so i’m not telling where it is. but it involves lights, a stage, a playbill and wonderful writing. and eventhough i have been telling friends to come and watch with me, the goddamned honest truth is, i think i’d rather do it by myself.

i also returned to the courts last thursday to check out my smashes and drop shots. i still need some coaching on the legwork, but i am gaining a rep for doggedly chasing after the shuttlecock. nice! the only problem is my friends are all in makati and i have to make the ultimate sacrifice (agh!) and go there. but they’re my friends. and i hope to end up in bed with some of them someday. hahaha!

i rerouted on my way home that same night and went to xaymaca instead where i meet up with iona and get to meet the members of session road. i reassumed a role i hadn’t played in a while and naughtily went for the “iona’s-boyfriend-for-the-night” schtick. hoot! hoot! hoot! totally.

i retraced my steps to that place last monday. they were already drinking by the time i got there. they asked, “what do you have with you” and i said “hamsters.” and they said “drink up!” and i said “i have to bring them home soon.” and the male hamster chewed his way out of the box i kept him in and he left the girl alone and i got so mad because i had gone to that place to look for him and he wasn’t there and then the hamster was gone, which made me think the place was a vortex or something because i keep losing something there.

and now i’m retracing my steps to that first casual look. that first sideway glance. what if i had not gone with jae for a drink that night? what if i had insisted on going home? then maybe i wouldn’t have known what alanis meant when she said “loving someone can actually feel like freedom”. maybe i would still be wondering if there can be anybody out there who can go beyond the silence or the bombast — whichever way my secret inner pendulum is swinging — and say “hey, can i go with you on this trip?”

i’m reevaluating the days. if i can’t move forward then i might as well go back. go back to what was there before you. the things that litter the path of least resistance. those days when i had my books, watched plays, bummed around with friends, scoped out far-away malls, indulged in expensive coffee, and bitch-blogging the rest of the working day away.

“maybe someday,” cess tells me.

“or maybe i shouldn’t get all worked up over it,” i reply.

“i envy you. you move on so quickly.”

“sometimes i quit too soon.”

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2 Comments »

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  1. I love how honest you can be with yourself, and how bluntly and unflinching you can express it.

    And I love how you have mastered your words.

  2. it’s called self-awareness, i think. hehehe. it’s a process i’m still going through. every goddamned freaking cold night i go to bed. haha! i haven’t mastered my words. madami pa ding mas magaling sa akin. hihihi.–>


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