the love vibe and the inner center

October 3, 2005 at 11:26 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

are there really people who “repel the love vibe”, as a friend put it?

how does it work? i mean, i am yet to met anyone who consciously avoids this feeling, for all its often exaggerated qualities. is it a subconscious thing, and if so, how does one avoid it?

my friend says “to be more accepting, more responsive to possibilities”. which, she says, “doesn’t mean falling headlong in love with the first guy who offers the same”. my great comeback for that line? “tell that to *beep beep*!” it wasn’t a good comeback, but it got me thinking. how does one become more accepting and more responsive? i’m sure it doesn’t mean fucking around like crazy.

well this friend of mine gave me an idea. she said her ‘press release’ is that she doesn’t want love. yet she admits that she could be lying to herself. this art, this fantastic facade of emotional ‘deadma’, as she called it, is one of the stupidest things i have employed myself when i want to take shelter in my own carapace and shut out the world because the possibility of getting hurt scares the shit out of me.

the slightest hint of rejection and what do i do? i take two steps back and bitch about it online, or over coffee. i think that’s my defense mechanism, my ‘press release’ — my means to avoid the unpleasantness of not meeting someone halfway.

we need some sort of discernment, this friend of mine and i. i told her that maybe she needs to find her inner center. whatever that means.

for me it means recognizing the very fact of where i am right now. i’m alone, and getting by. and that’s not too bad in itself. i want to do a lot of things (like kill my landlady, for example, hehe. joke!), and whether i have someone to do it with or not doesn’t make a difference. yes, i want IT. yes, i need IT. but why force my luck?

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