August 11, 2005 at 7:26 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“I’m lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know .
Oh they turned their heads embarassed, pretend that they don’t see.
But it’s one missed step, you’ll slip before you know it.
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed…”
– Fallen, Sarah McLachlan
What is it they say about never letting the sun set on an argument?  I must have gone through a thousand moonrise with a heavy heart.  Back in high school, i used to hang out with some friends whom I would lose before we even graduated.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it was just because even at an early age I was already cranky and difficult to handle.
In college, I hung around with a couple of cliques, both lost to me now, except for the occasional messages in friendster, or sms, or ym or whereever.  There was the small group I used to have with Clare, Jacq, Rhoda, etc.  and the UJP friends I had including Weng, Ayeen, Shiela, etc.  All of them now have six or seven years of their lives totally lost on me. 
Then there was the collective to which I devoted about three years of my college life which turned its back on me at the slightest hint of doubt, a rejection underlined by what i would later discern to be homophobia.  Thinking about those people inspires a deep hatred because of the total denial that I even exist as a person.  (“Excuse me, do I know you?”)
Then there were the people from the Collegian which gave me a new chance at friendships.  But with politics in the way, that group would also soon disperse and lose contact.  And if all those times taught me one thing, is to never let politics get in the way of a friendship — which is maybe why I have so much respect for people like Ederic, for example.
Thankfully, I have recovered some of those friendships.  Sadly, some are irretrievably lost.  Some I don’t even want to bother with anymore. 
After college, I would encounter new people and cultivate an entirely new set of friends.  It is this set of friends I would be fortunate enough to have around at a time when I was still trying to look for my spot under the sun, or the time when I would be making my way out of the closet, everytime my lovelife was D.O.A., and now, on the eve of a major life decision I am becoming more and more willing to make.
I guess I’m just trying to say that after all these years, I just want to say how sorry I am that I have been an irresponsible friend in the past.  That I miss Clare and Jacq, and Weng and Ayeen and the old Kule gang.  I didn’t even notice some of those people slip away from me.  Some separations have been preceded by tumult and angry words, some with really vindictive actions.  While I do not regret ever leaving the Union of Journalists of the Philippines, or the Center for Nationalist Studies, or even the Collegian, I regret leaving behind some loose ends that continue to haunt me to this day.
I just get to think that maybe there will come a time when words that went unsaid can finally be said.  Or when decisions that were not explained can finally be discussed. 
I am just thankful that for every ending, a new beginning comes to the fore.  Nina, Cess, Len, Tony, Marnie, Eileen, Marylou, the peyups people (Jodie, Charlote, Geraldsam, Ellyn, etc) — these people are my immediate circles nowadays.  And in recent times I have been lucky to have those circles expand. People I didn’t even know a month ago, a year ago, or back when I was still a student, are now making an impact on my life as a young adult.  New people making a dent in the way I relate, as well as define myself.  (And some of them even helping me out in the dating scene — *wink, wink* Jae.)
To twist a familiar line from a Carpenters’ song, good friends aren’t hard to find.  Circumstances are just unkind.  I hope the next few years will show me that these are the friendships worth fighting for and keeping.  Old friends who pop up back into my life are always welcome, too.


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