rediscovering a dream

August 5, 2005 at 3:58 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

 
on my way to an early morning meeting today, a flash of thought came to me.  it was a dream reignited, a long dormant projection i tucked away somewhere in my mind when i started working.  i began entertaining it again this morning as i thought about what i wanted to do with my life.  the thoughts just came by while i sat inside the jeepney at the end of the row.  i just got to think about a conversation last week in which i was asked where i saw myself five years from now.  at the time i was taken by surprise, because i hadn’t really thought about the idea for quite some time. (incidentally, it was during that pasta dinner date, ugh.)
 
but now, a week later, it suddenly occurred to me:  didn’t you use to have this dream, back when you were too young to bother with the high cost of education but old enough to know that scientific names for body parts were too dreary?  whatever happened to that dream?  didn’t you use to watch LA Law religiously?  And later on, the Practice?  And yeah, didn’t you pay attention to the brand of cooky lawyering they did on Ally McBeal?  Didn’t you use to dream what it would be like to be a litigation lawyer, defending a client with all your passion, right or wrong?
 
i took the LAE written exam in 1998 and passed, average GPA and all.  i did a story about it for the Collegian where former Dean Merlin Magallona even encouraged me to go on with my interview, even after I told him I would probably not finish my degree by that summer.
 
i remember, i was in the Collegian office that weekend, holed up in Vinzons 401 for yet another presswork weekend.  the news broke out that the list had been put up, and i remember a colleague telling me my name was on the list.  i went to Malcolm to confirm and now i remember the pride i felt for passing.  i had applied on a whim, because back then paying the P750 fee was a tough call for me, working student that i was.  i didn’t even know what kind of exam they were giving out.  i was not one of those fortunate saps who even read up on sample questions and reviewed for the exams.  i just passed my forms and then waited for the exam date.
 
in any case, passing the written exam would soon become moot, because finishing my degree would eventually take two more years.  but a part of me have always wondered what it would be like if i had gone on to do the oral part, even if i knew i wasn’t graduating.  instead, on the day that my oral exam was scheduled, i was finishing my ROTC.
 
but now, after all these years, i get back to thinking what it would be like to pursue that inclination.  this morning, i finally realized, maybe i should give it one more shot.  i do believe that the workplace would be very supportive.  my mom brought up the ‘lawyer dream’ idea last year but i said i was to busy with work to bother pursuing it.  it would be such joy for her to see me graduate a second time, i think. 
 
and as for me, i can give an off-the-record and on-the-record reason why i would want to be a lawyer.  but i might have to do some serious thinking first just to clarify my motivation at this point.  am i just doing this because i don’t have a lovelife?  am i doing this because it would raise my price in the labor market?  am i doing this just to prove i can?  am i doing this because i am sick and tired of describing myself as a writer all the time?  am i doing this because someone else wants me to?  am i doing this just so i will have another reason to stay in the country?  or am i doing this because a part of me really wants to?
 
malcolm, help me out.  when is the deadline for your forms?
 

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