transient pain

July 13, 2005 at 7:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

i skipped work yesterday because some matters demanded my attention. i got home at about 9pm and i was exhausted and emotionally drained, eventhough there was a vague sense of relief that a heavy burden had been lifted, as if a roadblock had been cleared and allowed me to go on with what i should be doing with my life.

yet, i couldn’t feel comfortable enough. i have no idea how long i can keep it up. in the back of my head i keep telling myself that it’s far from over.

yesterday, i spent a good deal of the day trying to look back to where it all came from, why things are how they are now, and what will they be after yesterday.

yesterday, i saw one of the saddest images i have ever seen in my life. a scene of complete surrender, of weakness exposed, and of a decision i had to make that would impact on someone else’s life.

the hospital grounds resembled the old quadrangle from my high school. there were concrete benches defaced by time and rain, a giant tree rising above the pavement leading up to the emergency room poking a hole right through the shed that provided shade for the benches, amended with carpenter calculations to make way for the continuing growth of the towering trunk.

puddles of rain gathered on absent gutters on the road leading out of the hospital. in my hand, a prescription with chicken-scrawled directions and in my mind were thoughts so reprehensive that i hated myself for a moment. i banished the thought only upon realizing i had a choice to make and to panic would not help me any.

at 4, a heavy downpour said more than i wanted, and i kept quiet while we sat outside the ER. my eyes were fixed on the back of my palms as i gripped the edge of the bench for support. there was nothing else, no one, to lean on.

the smell of disinfectant permeates the otherwise crowded emergency room. here and there, patients lined up begging for attention. oddly none were bleeding, but it felt like everyone in the room had some hidden cuts that needed tending.

the madness was everywhere.

on the way home at around 7, having eaten nothing for the entire day, the exhaustion gave way to anger. the image of a brother in the united states, saved from being a complete stranger only by occassional calls every now and then, or should i say on days that are marked out in any other calendar.

i need to make a phone call. and i have to calm myself down because i can only think of one word and i keep repeating it in my head: bastard, bastard, bastard. the cab driver asks if we can add 20 pesos on top of his meter reading, and the silent scream in my head grows even louder.

the road home seemed much easier to bear this time, very unlike so many other nights before. in my room, i take off my clothes and take a good look at myself in the mirror. i didn’t even realize, up until that moment, just how much power i had in my hands.

but it’s a power i do not relish having. i was more concerned with disposing of the accumulated dirt from the fading day. but some dirt doesn’t wash away with a warm bath, i know.

the lightest casualty of the day was my cig schedule. the quota flew out the window. i was down to half a pack by 2am, but then realize i had bought two packs that morning.

my eyelids gave up in the middle of reporters’ notebook and so i went to lie down and slept soundly.

this morning, when i woke, i had an all-too-brief smile on my lips.


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