the ones we wanted to catch us

June 24, 2005 at 10:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

she asked me why i used to tease her about a common friend a few years back. and my reply, if i’m not mistaken because i think she had asked me this way back then, was the same. it was my gut feel, i tell her over text last night. i just knew. somehow i knew.

apparently i was right. he, a common friend, had really fallen for her. the thing is, she couldn’t give back what he wanted. she tells me she had no idea whatsoever that he was feeling something.

quite frankly i didn’t know how exactly i knew because i didn’t see much of their friendship. but i heard stories. i’d hear her talk about him. i’d hear him talk about her. they’re both in distant makati, where i go about three times a year, so i didn’t really get to watch their friendship grow. and apparently in the tough past few months that she had to deal with some issues of her own, he had kept her company, had been what we normally refer to as a ‘buddy’. they’d have lunch together since they work in the same building, and if i’m not mistaken they even go out sometimes — as friends.

what got her to think, after cleaning up her inbox and finding an old undeleted email from him was how she never seemed to notice how exactly he felt.

naughty me asked, ‘so why do you get to think about all this now? do you realy have no feelings for him whatsoever? not even an ounce of a chance?’

she said there was none. my heart recited the names of a couple of people.

and i said, ‘i’ve been in his shoes. i know what he’s been through.’ (and come to think of it, he found someone before i did.) and i added, ‘it’s hard to fall when you know he’s not going to be there to catch you.’

and she agreed and then said soemthing about how equally tough it would be to fall and know he (or she) can’t catch you because the timing is wrong.

i got knocked off my train of thought for a while before i said ‘well at least you let him down easy. and don’t feel sorry that you can’t feel anything for him other than as a friend. don’t ever apologize for your emotions. THAT could hurt him.’

it was an advice fueled by my exasperation with the old, trite excuse of ‘sorry but i just don’t feel anything for you’. [just tell it like it is. but don’t apologize, damn it.]

to which she said ‘how did i let him down? i don’t know how. in any case he admitted it only before he hooked up with her.’

and i said ‘you didn’t disappoint him. and i know him. he’s a good person. he won’t take it against you. which i truly believe. i know the guy. he’s a gentleman and his hirits are soooo corny. but i’ve never pictured him as the type to hold a grudge, much less carry along a baggage such as hatred. (people like me were put on this earth for THAT.)

which gets me to think. why am i so lenient on her when she did exactly the same thing other guys did to me? then i realized it’s because i never really got the other side of the story from those guys. i never put myself in their shoes. nor would i want to anyway.

i put on a brave face and declared ‘it’s their loss’, but here i am after all these years, still standing on my own. plastic card in my hand on my way to the mall to watch hotel rwanda by myself, on a friday night with no one to call my own. it’s a brave front, but that’s all it is. and those guys? they’re somewhere else, maybe they’ve hooked up (i know some did) maybe some are still cleaning up the mess that is their life. but me? all i have are those sorries and those goodbyes.

the ones we wanted to catch us. who are these people? are they really as heartless and as callous as we make them out to be when we tell our sob stories? are they really nothing more than insensitive assholes, by virtue of them breakin our hearts into pieces? are they the vicious villains that tragedizes our stories and we, the helpless victims wallowing in the wrecks of our failed endeavors?

i think about my friends. she let him down easy. and i think they’re still friends. maybe i was lenient on her because of that. there are guys i know who didn’t do the same to me. but those who did, even if they said sorry when it was the last thing i needed to hear? i realize they’re still my friends now.

the ones we wanted to catch us.

they’re people who fell waiting for someone to catch them while we were falling for them hoping they’d catch us. with them in mid-air, i realize it must be a difficult situation to be in too. and knowing that allows one to finally forgive.

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2 Comments »

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  1. oh my goodness. i only had the time to read this now coz i haven’t visited the net for days! im still asking why i didn’t know.

    it’s difficult to fall talaga pag di ka sinalo.

  2. the answer lies in falling and being willing to land on your own, i guess. engineer your own touchdown. your heart, your rules. devah?!?

    😀


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