somewhere between then and now

May 24, 2005 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

turning points are all about change. that exact moment we often overlook when for better or worse, our lives take a turn from which there may be no turning back.

when we look back, we often think of them as lifeposts, life-defining moments that take us into the unknown.

what were the lifeposts of my existence?

well, c3, late 2003 was one of them. in front of colleagues i admitted i’m gay and from then on the disclosure was just unstoppable. a few years back i had made the same move with collegian people, but that was a more contained and calculated move. i wasn’t ready then. in 2003, i was.

since then i’ve been on dates, i’ve been set up with so many guys, i’ve gone out with some, and have had some terrible luck with a lot of them, but i’m fine this way. but what about this lifepost? why think about it now?

well, i just get to thinking what it would be like had i not come out back then. i would still be in the closet now, and goodness knows how i would be able to deal with all the pressures i deal with on a daily basis if i had a part of me that i had to keep to myself.

but somewhere between then and now, i found my own place under the sun, eventhough sometimes i gripe and bitch about it. but this is a nice place to be in within this lifetime. it’s a process, actually. the homefront is still uncharted territory, and i’m still screwing up the guts to take that on.

but i think being out there creates an atmosphere of courage to take on the world along terms that i know are mine and mine alone. specificlaly, i know that i don’t have to hide anymore with friends and comrades.

strangers are aware from the onset who i am and what i stand for, thereby eliminating the need for lengthy explanations and more and more disclosures. i can only remember how i came out to friends like or ellyn, or jodie or charlotte, and i’m suddenly thankful that from 2003 onwards i never had to do any explaining to newfound friends.

incidentally last night was also the first time i had seen ellyn and jodie and charlotte since i came out (yes, in the past two years, i haven’t seen them). and nothing has changed. we still had fun, with wkt back in town for a two-month vacation, our YM gang just had to meet up.

so while we were hitting the unfamiliar streets of makati late into the night yesterday, i just got to thinking how much better i am now than i was when i was still a closeted guy a few years back when i was still an omnipresent poster at peyups.com.

yes, somewhere between then and now i took a turn. and it’s turning out good somehow. the homecourt battle will commence soon enough.

[*and while i’m on it, let me just say, welcome home, jodie. may you stay for good soon. mwah!]

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