he’s still out there

April 5, 2005 at 5:45 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

last week was toxic, in more ways than one. it seemed like there were a million things to do. there were press people to call up, releases to be written, a powerpoint presentation to be put together and last-minute logistics for a conference that was going down on saturday.

the past few days had been so hectic, and in the back of my mind i just wanted to lie down and finally get a full 8 hours of sleep. i really didn’t mind all the work. in fact i liked what we were doing. what got to me was the fact that my nose had been running and i had woken up on monday morning with a slight fever. the mercury rose to record levels, getting to as high as 35, and the heat was on in the office. quite literally. the airconditioning was malfunctioning.

at one point i thought i was about to collapse. i lied down on the couch inside the boss’ office but had to get up again to answer a return call. i was at my lowest physical point.

and it got me thinking. if only i had arms around me at the end of the day the fatigue wouldn’t be so much of a big deal.

i made such sentiments known to herbert, who was arranging a dinner for my boss and a foreign guest at his office.

am too harassed to think of a place right now, will update you tomorrow kung asan sha. god herb, do u ever feel xhausted? i do right now. *sigh*

can i just vent – – ds s one of those days wen im so tired and i hav nothing to fall back on. haay. am just very tired. very very very tired

herbie derbie (04/01/2005 7:10:27 PM)
Funnily, i’ve been feeling a little burnt out lately. Sorry to bother you when you’re tired.

no, it’s not that. i don’t mind. i’m just soooo exhausted. wouldn’t be too bad to have arms around me now. i need a hug har har kainis!

but at d end of the day i know its just me myself and i. it’s tiresome to think of, but true, an di nid to stand on my own, and i do, but sometimes it’s not enough, is it? *sigh*

ok wil ask your boss to hug you

that’s not comforting

we can’t be choosers.

i disagree. i still have a choice, i tell myself.

nevertheless, i find myself having coffee at c3 with tune and rocketman, to discuss bantay ict. and there, i slipped back into my rocketman phase. i don’t know how. it must have been just because of bantay ict or something, but it was just there again — the idea of him and me. smooching. screwing. sharing. i had to fight myself just so i wouldn’t fall all over myself again.

while rocketman went to the boys’ room, tune tells me: he drunk-dialled you last tuesday, because he missed you. a couple of nights earlier, i had skipped their sharky’s session because of my cold. and the bastard drunk-dialled me at 1 am to carp about how fortunate i was to be ghost-writing cory’s speech. and that he missed me. and whether it was okay with me, if we can fuck.

i didn’t buy it. that was our thing from last year. one of us had to be drunk before saying out loud how we felt.

why can’t you say you miss me unless you’re soaked up in alcohol?

i asked myself, but didn’t dare say it out loud in front of rocketman. there won’t be an answer, i know.

so on friday night, exhausted yet again and wanting to unwind, i decided i would be alone to think things over. c3. iced tea. readings on burma. and an aching, untamed heart.

tune was insisting i join them at sharky’s. funny. you’re alone at c3. and he’s alone at sharky’s.

but the really funny thing was, when rocketman texted me and i told him i was alone at c3, i half-expected him to get up and go to c3 instead. and then i thought maybe i should go there. i almost took up tune’s offer.

but what is that they say about friends turning up just when you need them? by some stroke of luck, eileen, who’s been out of touch for the past few days after dunking her phone in the waters of bora a few weeks ago, passed by c3 and saw me.

just as i was on my last sip of iced tea, she calls me out and we sit down and start yakking away. later on enteng joins us, and my friday nightcap was sealed. i had an excuse to skip sharky’s.

besides, it wasn’t rocketman’s offer for me to go there, so why should i even bother?

i only had to say rocketman’s name before eileen and enteng ganged up on me and gave me a piece of their minds.

the more we tell you not to do something, the more you do it, so fine, go ahead, eileen said.

but enteng delivers the biggest punch of the night.

he’s using you. he wants to be seen with you to get someone jealous. if he is really interested then why haven’t you talked about what happened last year?

it was a revelation. and instantly i am reminded of a few things from the night i was having coffee with tune and rocketman.

were you pissed when he called you up drunk? tune asked. i wasn’t i tell her. but i was pissed the following day when i saw him having such a good time talking to bistro guy. and that night i was pissed to find he had a picture of bistro guy on his phone. to remember those and to hear enteng’s words shook me up and brought me back to earth. an dget this, on that very same friday night they planned up a getaway to galera. common friend gus, who i think only knows rocketman too well, suggested that bistro guy be brought along. and rocketman says he’s bringing me along. and they all jump on the idea, which i thumb down.

put it all together and it becomes apparent to me why rocketman wants to hang around me so much.

this is exactly what i meant when i accused him of being emotionally dishonest last year. he is soooo obviously still not over bistro guy, and it’s just pride making him say otherwise. because for one, bistro guy have had a string of boyfriends over the past few years after rocketman. (the fact none of those relationships lasted is yet for another time to discuss).

but far from feeling sorry for myself, i take the realization towards a positive direction. i took all of it to affirm what i only know in my heart to be true.

what does your gut instinct tell you? enteng asks me before we leave c3 on Friday night.

i didn’t reply but i knew.

it’s not the bistro guy. it’s not rocketman. he’s still out there.

in the future, i will meet someone and there will be more stories to tell about him than these two guys. and it’s important not to lose sight of that.



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  1. i didn’t buy it. that was our thing from last year. one of us had to be drunk before saying out loud how we felt.

    why can’t you say you miss me unless you’re soaked up in alcohol?

    i know exactly how this feels. what’s even worse is when a guy asks you to be his girlfriend and then retracts his question the morning after by saying “i was just drunk last night.” what the fuck??? fucking emotional unavailability.

    i find myself slowly turning into a sadder, wiser version of bridget jones against my will. if only i had the strength to believe that THE ONE is still out there for me, but at this point i’m just about ready to give up. naybe it’s best to just have a series of mr. right nows for the time being. what the hell.

    how sad.

  2. screw it marnie. there’s no such thing as ‘the one’. the best you can have is to have ‘someone’. as i told you at gloria jeans, boys are just fucktoys. you throw them away after you’re done with them. the few gems are either gay, taken or both. screw it. or better yet, in my case, i think i’d rather screw around. lolz.

  3. i’m telling you grrl, we gotta learn how to appreciate what we have. we have each other as friends. it’s fucking cheesy i know, but at the end of the day aren’t friends the best defense we have against heartaches? ๐Ÿ˜›

    – the peregrine

  4. hmm, i think i still want to believe in the myth of THE ONE in spite of it all. thing is, i think i’ve gone off men (BOYS, i should say) for the time being. i think i’d like to go back to being happily single for now and not worry about men for a while. i’ve been screwed over enough for the year (and it’s only april, for goodness’ sake!); i think i need a break.

    yeah, friends and work *do* help us to get over these things, but what happens when one’s workload suddenly lightens or when one’s friends are too busy with their own lives to bother with yours? both of those things happened to me quite recently and, quite honestly, i had a hard time coping. i’m *still* having a hard time coping. i’ve had to learn to be with myself again minus my support group and my armor and believe me, it hasn’t been easy. i guess things really do change when one enters one’s 30s.

    anyway, enough sentimentality for one day. i’ve spent the last two days crying my eyes out, but i think (and i hope!) that i’m okay now. ๐Ÿ™‚ i guess i just have to face the fact that yes, no matter how hard i try to bury it, the perpetual optimist inside me will come to the fore when i most need her. thank god for small mercies.

    i’m off to have breakfast (at 1:41 in the afternoon, no less!). see you soon. btw, i have both the lovely bones and einstein’s dreams lurking about the house. let me know if you want to borrow them. basta ibabalik mo lang ha? ๐Ÿ™‚


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