Unsaid (Apologies, Ms. Morissette)

January 25, 2005 at 9:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dear S., you woke me up to a feeling I kept denying at first, and I couldn’t even remember half the Spanish we were reviewing that night in March ’95 and I kept wishing you’d stop vandalizing my desk with your drawl; but that’s just the insolence of youth, the repetitive scrawl of your presence on my desk, and I was on the other side of the bed wishing you’d leave a mark elsewhere, somewhere deeper inside of me, and I knew I had no guts to screw up the courage to ask you if you were interested and I guess it’s better that way since if you did then it would have hurt so much more to see you three years down the road locking arms with a female friend of mine.

Dear H., sorry never seemed so hard as when I laid it all bare for you that dreadful summer night in 98, and when I said I’m alright all I meant was that I just wanted to keep it all inside and pretend I didn’t hear you say that because it felt like you were so sorry for me when sorry was the last thing I needed at that point and even more so after you came out a few weeks later and I figured it must have been me that was the problem, and my only option was to tell myself that I wasn’t vulnerable everytime I woke up early Sunday mornings to bloody drafts and you lying beside me on the floor of the press room and everytime you were where I was, it was easy for me to say you can confide in me and when you did, all I could do was blame them for shutting you out when I would’ve given anything to spend a fraction of the time they spent with you; and years later when you came back and no one knew except the both of us, the feeling just wasn’t there anymore eventhough I realize you have everything I want in anyone I would ever care to care for.

Dear F., our phone conversations exhausted me and it seemed like we just ran out of stories once it was time to deal with each other with no pretensions behind phone lines, eventhough I strongly feel that if you had just taken the time to draw me out of myself then we could have not only had much more fun but maybe we would’ve been able to spend so much more time together and wouldn’t be strangers averting sideway glances when we see each other in the mall two years later still by ourselves and surrounded by friends and it makes me sad to know that I never even got to know whether you will still push through with New York or wherever.

Dear P., the long-distance thing from last year just isn’t my cup and I know I was always giving out signals to that effect and I knew you couldn’t handle me at a time when I thought I was over him and didn’t even know if I could take a risk, and when I did and you were there with your arms open it just felt like there was no option but to fall on the 25th Hour, but I kept holding back because I knew you needed more than what I had and the same thing goes for me, and I just wanted you to know that I could have fallen in love with you but you taught me to dare nonetheless, go against not just what people thought I was capable of, but against my expectations of myself and I just want you to know that if you’re ever in town coffee would be great and we could be friends again.

Dear J., you brought me out of myself and while your eyes don’t have it, mine always will, against my better judgment and even though I’ll always be down on your line and even though I don’t believe your relationships are no better than what I could offer I know me going over the edge at times scares you stiff and that in itself just doesn’t cut it and sometimes people come into your life and even though you picture them in more intimate terms in reality that’s all they’ll ever be and you’re one of those people and maybe I should just kiss you and get it over with because maybe it’s all just about hormones; and this is just to say thanks, if you weren’t yourself then I would still have my head in the clouds instead of picking myself up when I realized my heart hit dirt with you, and I will always have your back and promise to be genuinely happy for you everytime you find somebody new.

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