I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got (apologies to Sinead O’Connor)

November 22, 2004 at 1:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My new friend, RG who works on-cam for one of those news programs, is right. Something’s gotta give. “You have to learn not to want everything,” he tells me, and I am given food for thought that has me worked up two weekends ago.

As a confessed workaholic, I ask him why satisfaction with work seems to come at the expense of a love life. I was feeling so good about having two jobs that was giving me a lot of new challenges, but in doing so I had to forego a couple of dates. I tell RG how it seems that to be happy in one area of life means neglecting another.

“Kris Aquino tried to have it all, and she got STD!” he rebuts, and the meaning is not lost on me.

It looks like a compromise a lot of people are familiar with. Everything’s okay at the workplace, your boss adores you, you love what you do, the income is steadily flowing in, you have a sense of purpose, and maybe even a commendation is around the corner.

But what trade-offs do they come with?

Last November 2 I went shopping with Princess and almost got my ears pierced. We passed by a stall selling those studs and rings of faux silver. I was about to pick out an earring when my eyes settled on a necklace instead. While Princess was busy on the phone with Z, I dropped the idea of a piercing and settled for the necklace, a drawstring piece with a yin-yang pendant.

I was drawn to it because I felt like the yin-yang symbol signifies the balance I felt I lacked. I now wear it on a daily basis, and people who see it say they like it. (Nina and Princess both say it would look better on them, which makes me wear it with even more pride, knowing I’ve picked out a nice piece of artwork.)

I guess the exhausted motivation behind the purchase is that, if one can’t get a man, he might as well accessorize.

But beyond the symbolism, however, I still feel a gaping hole that no amount of Javanilla or accessorizing could fill. That is, until I logged on to Friendster one night and found the solution.

I’ve had Mr. Mosscake on my list for a while now, knowing he does those adorable, even if sometimes, undecipherable editorial cartoons on TODAY, my favorite broadsheet. I was just checking out his pictures, taken some place where he was doing volunteer work on HIV/AIDS awareness. And he looked so cute.

I then moved on to other people on my list and checked out G’s profile, he of BED fame. Same thing. The guy is adorable.

Then I realized the giddiness was a welcome respite. It was then that I realized I didn’t need to look at the market for inspiration anymore. I’m just so damn tired of trying to put myself out there, or at least being the one to do all the work. I came to the conclusion that if I take myself out of the “meet market” then I might as well put myself in fantasyland and oggle cute guys like mosscake or g instead.

I don’t want to say these people are not real, for I’m sure they lead real lives, with real jobs even if it seems so impossible that such beautiful creatures could exist. But they wouldn’t know me if they tripped all over me on the street and that makes it fine.

I guess this is my way of balancing my life. While giving all my time to my work, I take breathers every now and then, enjoying beauty for what it is worth. Distant and knowing almost nothing about mosscake, or G or even Jigs (of OUT) makes the terms of reference more clear and easier to deal with. They are just crushes, nothing more.

What purpose do these infatuations serve in my life? Maybe it’s just the extra heartbeat they inspire that makes the swooning all worth it. It makes me feel like some sort of a fan sometimes, but it’s okay: mosscake’s artworks are intriguing, their colors seem to grab at you from the canvass (although the thought of grabbing him instead has also crossed my mind several times) and his cartoons are witty and accessible for the most part. But do I want to get to know him better? Maybe not. I’m too resigned and lazy to exert myself that far.

Is G attainable? No, there’s a line to his door, and I’m not standing there because life, I believe, is still waiting to happen for me out there and I have to keep moving.

For now, this is fun. It helps me define what I want in a man. I find I’m drawn to someone who is involved in one way or the other in the arts, someone preferably older (and hopefully wiser), good-looking (in the vaguest sense of the word), a music lover, works for a cause (at least part-time), who can teach me a thing or two about life, a good talker, an incessant conversationalist who still values all the things that may pass by unsaid, someone tangible yet cognizant of my need to have my space sometimes, someone who can be patient with my politics, preferably someone who can keep up with me physically, someone who knows how to cook, has his own place, and someone who can speak volumes with his eyes.

*sigh*

At the risk of falling for the ideal, I realize I can’t have all this in one package. This must be what RG called “not wanting everything”. So I guess someone real, someone flawed, someone wounded is fine with me. But these unreachable infatuations, these ideals are fine for now. I’m going back to working on me and hope that somehow, somewhen, someone out there will find I have what he has also been looking for. Someone who can yin my yang, whatever the hell that means. But for now, if it isn’t in my life then I don’t want it.

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