Making a Right Turn

October 10, 2004 at 3:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Don’t dare me to count how many times I’ve lost, A. tells me one night during R.’s birthday party. I’m 38 and I’m still looking for happiness, she says. A. is clearly inebriated, a half-empty glass of brandy in her hand. But thankfully, she still makes perfect sense.

Then she tells me, If you feel lonely because you think there’s this guy who doesn’t like you, then forget it. It’s not him. And besides do you really want to get involved with *bleep bleep*? He’s a mess. You have to realize how smart you are. You’re not aware of this but you are. You’re good-looking, you’re slim and fit, easy to get along with. Learn to love yourself.

A. had me thinking. I’ve said time and again that I’m not all that bad. Dare I say it, I’m the best man a man can have in his life. But I have a hard time believing the things I tell myself because I always seem to measure them against the actions of other people, especially guys who don’t want me. Everytime it doesn’t work out, I imagine myself walking down Heartache Avenue, and tell myself it’s the only path I’ve known and maybe it’s where I’m supposed to stay, just so I can make the rejections easier to accept.

I’m not relationship material, I tell myself.

So last Friday, on that most important night of the week when everyone is supposed to be with someone, I decided to go and watch a movie by myself instead. I figured I needed some time alone. That and because the blurb I read in my email about the Pillow Book says Ewan McGregor bares his thick, pinkish dick in it.

As I searched my way for an empty seat, Charlie, who used to write for the Collegian with me, calls me out just as the lights began to wane and die. Wanting to catch up, I sit beside him and his companions.

“Is that Sharon?!?” I ask him, pointing to the person seated next to him.

“That’s Mark!” he points out.

“Oh my God, Mark! I couldn’t see you. But hey, your hair looks nice and you’ve gotten rid of the eyeglasses, ha?” I say, laughing at myself for my faux pas. I’ve known Charlie for seven years and Mark for the last two, and know that they both work for the English Department at Ateneo.

Then I turned back to Charlie and talked him up a bit as the trailers rolled, and I teasingly asked him, “So, are you seeing anybody right now?”

Charlie answered “Him!” pointing to Mark, and I am pleasantly suprised.

But it also got me thinking: if love is indeed all around, then why are there still so many of us walking down Heartache Avenue?

My blessed singleness never seemed more so pronounced than when I realized I was seated next to a couple. But for the first time in a while, it didn’t matter. I was actually enjoying my alone time, and the sight of Ewan McGregor’s wonder down under.

That night, I drew something really positive from the otherwise morbid and perverse Pillow Book. Nagiko draws a list of things that make her heart beat faster on her 28th birthday, when the story ends. The last item was “writing of love, and finding it” even though her affair with Jerome ended so tragically. Are the best affairs really the ones we never had, because we have the freedom to recreate them in our minds? Or are the best loves the ones with the most dramatic endings because we’re bound to never forget them?

In the end I decided it was futile to try and make sense of it. Enteng tells me I’m too logical and that it’s not the way the heart works. If he’s right, then maybe I shouldn’t wonder. I should just get moving along on this road called life.

So after the movie I bid goodbye to Charlie and Mark and made my way on foot to the jeepney station. As I was walking along the Academic Oval, I realized my “me” time was actually working.

I was able to clear my mind of some emotional cobwebs that were bothering me. I could smoke all I want while I was walking alone, than if I had a non-smoker lover, for instance. And the best thing was, while I was walking I could break wind without feeling embarassed because I wasn’t with anyone I was trying to impress.

I’m single because things couldn’t work out with the guys I’ve really, really liked before. But I shouldn’t let my mistakes set the tone for my future. I refuse to go down with my miscalculations. My life doesn’t have to drag just because of a guy who can’t appreciate me, as A. pointed out a few nights back.

In my mind, I’m still walking down Heartache Avenue, to be sure. But if it’s a grey and dreary highway as I imagine it to be, then I hope my newfound positive thoughts can inspire a light inside and let it shine so my journey doesn’t have to make me feel petrified as if I didn’t know where I was going.

As I thought about all this, I came along the road between the Law School and the Computer Center. I decided to abandon the straight path I was walking and take that road instead. Because that’s how people living with scars should be. When they’re walking down one way and begin to feel like they are lost, they shouldn’t be afraid to make a right turn.

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2 Comments »

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  1. hay nako, di na tayo nagkikita sa hse kaya magbabasa na lang ako ng blog mo para alam ko kung ano nangyayari sa yo 🙂

  2. IF ANYONE STILL GOES TO THIS URL, PLS BE INFORMED I’VE MOVED TO http://PEREGRINECONFESSIONS.BLOGSPOT.COM

    JUST IN CASE. :d

    -VINCE


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