Great Expectations

October 7, 2004 at 7:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“How much wasted time will you survive?”
-Duncan Sheik

People tell me my problem is that I fall too fast, with all the attendant expectations that come from the excitement. Excitment over the prospect of holding hands, kissing someone else’s lips and the intimacy involved in love relationships. I’ve often been accused by the likes of Enteng of being too conservative, and that I have too many rules in life to ever be really happy.

I guess wihtout being aware of it, I do have a lot of rules. Maybe I am too linear in my thinking. But why is my attitude towards relationships like this? Like everyone else, I have to go back to where I came from and see what kind of an upbringing I had and see what subconscious drives are at work in order to figure out why I am so fucking inhibited when it comes to love.

The reason, is perfectly clear now. I come from a family where commitment seemed like a word that belonged in the trash bin. My dad, dead for twenty-five years, used to cheat on my mom a lot. She would always find out of course, and he would always be sorry, and she would always forgive him. The fact is, when I was born, my mom and dad had called it quits.

Realizing that is a very painful and very personal thing I refuse to concede so easily. I gues I am growing when I say that it’s true.

So forgive me if I expect a lot from my relationships. I had the worst possible template to base my own convictions from.

Then again it could just be the alcohol fucking with my system and my typing (with all the typos I have to go back to). But it’s true. My dad cheated on my mom. And I know how difficult it is for one partner to carry on a relationship not knowing where it’s heading.

So everytime I fall, I have this set of preconceived notions as to how each person in a relationship should conduct himself, I have these rules that tell me whether it’s working or not. The problem is taht sometimes the smallest of gestures can set me off.

“Tell him to go to hell. He doesn’t have a shred of decency in his bones,” I tell Kit in a message last night as I vented my anger over a jealousy I still believe is not without basis. the object of my ire was not rocketman, but a common friend who was, in my opinion, making some moves on him, despite the fact he knew the things I was going through.

And it’s so fucking wrong for me to even feel this way, since I have no claim to him or to what he wants to do with his life. I have no control as to who he wants to take to his bed with him. And taht makes me angry.

It’s all wasted time. He doesn’t feel anything for me. All I’m good for is a one-night stand, which he himself has admitted as much. Maybe I should take up the offer, but I’m willing to bet taht it would just add to my baggage.

It would help a lot for him to just say no to me. It would be a slap in teh face, but it woudl help a lot. And it’;s not just because I’m getting tipsy again. It’s just the way things should be. I am fucking desperate for a resolution. the sooner I get it, the sooner I can move on.

These are my rules. This is how I look at my relationships, or rather, my lack of them in my life. I’m not going to make apologies for it. I can’t change my past, my parents, or maybe even how they influenced the way I look at relationships. But despite the fact that my dad cheated a lot, and I don’t want the same thing to happen to me in my relationships, I still believe in the capacity inherent in all of us to give as much love as possible for the one person taht would want to have it.

As Maroon 5 said, ‘my heart is full and my door’s always open, you can come anytime you want’. It’s true. What he gets in return will be worth it. And I don’t even have to be drunk, as I am now, to know that. All those fools who thought I wasn’t good enough for them can just stick that belief up their ass and go to hell. I will be loved. Maybe not now, not by who I know or want, but it’s out there. And when I find it, it will be worth it, and I’ll be the greatest event of his life, and it will last, and it will work, not becuase it will be perfect but just because. Just simply because.

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