eating my words

October 4, 2004 at 5:45 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

The thing I hate most about writing is when you find that sooner or later you will come face-to-face with your text again and realize: “I can’t believe I wrote this!”

Forever couldn’t come soon enough. I look at my blog and realize I either spoke too soon, or this is just the part of me that’s kicking and screaming its way out of this place called ‘rocketman’s’.

It’s a freaking pattern, I’m telling you. I’m too lazy to look for greener pastures and thus settle for my own backyard. Then I make a mess out of myself, clam up and refuse to reach out even as just a friend. Subconsciously, I alienate the guy until words get in the way and I find myself with nothing to say, when all I really want to say is “I really, really like you.”

Instead it’s easier for me to say “You’re dishonest” or “I’d rather not be with you.” But I’m an awful liar and it shows. And that’s bad, because I’m supposed to be working, but I’m too spaced out to dig my heels in and get some results done.

It’s a fucking drag, when you’re stuck in a moment and realize you’re just a footnote to someone else’s narrative. I’m thinking of the right words to say when the fact is, I just want him to put his arms around me, or for me to run my fingers through his hair.

(I should have been a marine biologist instead. I can swim all day and not have to hear the mad cacophony of the earth above. I can swim all day, If I was any good at it. I think it’s only the waves, unforgiving in their categorical might which can match the tempest I feel inside of me. It’s a stirring in my heart that pulls and breaks every piece of me as if I were some brittle piece of deadwood floating near the shore.)

It’s nobody’s fault things are like this, I guess. As Amelia Warren said in The Terminal “We’re all waiting for something.” He is waiting for someone else. Maybe he knows who it is, maybe he doesn’t. Me, I’d like to wait for him to realize it’s me. But if its really not me then maybe it’s just someone else’s way of saying I’m really supposed to wait for that flight instead. (see Joyride)

But for now, I guess I should go by the words of Gus, that son of a bitch that read out my blog to him and their friends — go with an attitude that’s something like “I like you and it’s none of your business.”

Why the fuck am I being so down when I should be glad I can feel good about someone? I like him and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

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1 Comment »

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  1. I love the way you write. Very.. passionate, for lack of a better term. I’m definitely lovin’ it. =)–>


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