A Conspiracy of Raindrops

September 28, 2004 at 4:47 pm | Posted in Emotions, the L word | 5 Comments

Looking back I should have listened more intently at what the rain was telling me. Which is funny, because I’ve always claimed that I was happier when it rained. I thought the rain made me happier because I knew it better than sunshine. I thought there was a hidden message in the pitter-patter of the rain which I could easily understand.

But emotions are the frailty of existence, our feelings leave a lot of room, sometimess too much room, for gray areas — doubt, confusion, uncertainty — and we can’t really say for certain we have things all figured out unless we ask.

It was a Thursday afternoon. We left the office early, a sudden downpour had paralyzed a good portion of the city as streets swelled with the liquid fat of the heavens. I tagged along Mayong’s staff as they enjoyed a leisurely lunch at Shakey’s and thereafter proceeded to have coffee at Mocha Blends accross the street from the mall.

As we made our way through the parking lot, the overcast sky above gave in without warning and a torrent of raindrops descended on us. I found myself sharing an umbrella with Rocket Man, a fellow writer who refuses to tell me his real age. I reckon he’s in his mid-30s but I do know that he’s a father of one, lover to none and still struggling with the closet.

As the rain came down on us, we laughed all the way to Mocha Blends, especially at my expense since it was my idea to go there in the first place. That, and because of Kit’s incessant whining about how her hair was soaking wet without even getting dry since that morning.

It had been a few weeks since Kit’s birthday party in early August where I made a mess out of myself. I got drunk and they had to drag me off the floor all the way home. The worst part of it was that I kept calling out Rocket Man’s name as they did.

I never really had a chance to get over that episode, partly because it still embarasses me, partly because he never seemed interested to talk about it.

So while we were having coffee, I put that incident back in some obscure corner of my mind and instead made some harmless remark about a cute guy sitting in the opposite table.

The sky cleared up a bit and we decided to go back to the mall. not more than a few steps away from Mocha Blends, however, it began to rain again, and I shared his umbrella once more. It was at that moment that I thought some grand design was being put to work, as if, in Coelho’s words, the universe was conspiring to give me what I want.

But then again, it’s now clear to me. Whatever conspiracy was at work that day wasn’t backed up with further signs by any previous or subsequent event.

For example, last Sept. 4, I went out with AI people for the launching of GMA-7’s new gay-oriented TV show, OUT. I was giddy and feeling good on my way home after shaking hands with Jigs on whom I have had the biggest crush long before the show went on air. Then Rocket Man texted me, asking me where I was. After a few more SMS exchanges he began whining about our common lack of a lovelife. Not-so-subtly I hinted how he need not look farther and that a love might just be around. He asked who it could be, and not willing to dish out more bull, I just told him to go to sleep instead.

A few nights later, I agreed to meet up with my friend and ex-officemate Ryan, who took me to Runes, where Kit’s bash was held last August. That night, I got drunk again. And in keeping with our pattern, where we exchange messages whenever either one of us is drunk, I sent him a message. I asked him point blank: “Bakit ba ayaw mo sa akin?”

“Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kung gusto ko daw ng love, wag ko karirin. Tulog na ko.”

It was evasive, ascerbic and I was honestly pissed off. He must have noticed because the next time I saw him we barely talked and he later texted me asking me if I was angry at him. I lied, said no, he accepted it, and said he would (finally) lend me his copy of Veronika Decides to Die.

And that was the end of that. The next time I saw him the excitement was gone. I realize that unlike him, I face up to how I really feel, regardless whether I feel good or bad. I don’t run away from my emotions. Of course, this is not to say I haven’t been there, but I don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest, either. So with that letdown I decided he’d be better off joining the growing ranks of my friends instead.

Nowadays, when it rains I still manage a smile and rethink of that episode at Mocha Blends. It’s all so funny now, really, because I finally understand what the weather was telling me back then. But for now I choose to keep it as a secret between me and the rain.



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  1. “What you don’t have, you don’t need right now…”

    – U2

  2. thanks. how true. but who is this? 🙂

  3. never give up. he’s still out there somewhere, waiting.

  4. I would like to think so. I hope. 🙂 But if it’s not… well, you know I’ll just have to make my way through alone screaming and kicking but ultimately resigned to what I’m going to be dealt with. And that’s fine I guess. How do you get over someone? Not in a few hundred words or so. I find myself unable to stand by the resolutions I made in this article. So how do I get out of it? The next time I try, I’ll know. 😀

  5. […] I never really had a chance to get over that episode, partly because it still embarasses me, partly because he never seemed interested to talk … Posted by jvcruzIMHO Good articleLink to original article […]

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