This Year

September 23, 2004 at 9:31 pm | Posted in Gratitude, Positivity | 2 Comments

“All the planets are lining up for me. This year, I’m going to have fun.” – Chantal Kreviazuk

***

Emily Saliers pleaded with the resting soul of Galileo to tell her exactly how long till her soul gets it right. I often find myself asking the same question. Who wants to live a life and have to look back at nothing but mistakes, right?

I feel like my life choices have been more frequently wrong than right. Thinking like this makes me think that what I’ve done with my life so far doesn’t amount to much.


Thus, when someone asks me where I went to school and what I took up, I say “UP Masscomm lang.” and then I quickly add “Ah, it took me six years to get out of there. My grades were embarassing.”

Someone asks me where I work, and I say “Ah, I work for a Congresswoman.” and then I add, “Ghost writer lang ako.”

Someone asks me if I’m dating somebody and I say “Naaah. Masyadong busy. Saka wala namang nagkakagusto sa akin.”

Sometimes, when I listen to myself, I want to puke. I often forget that even though it took me six years to finish college, it wasn’t because I was lazy. It was because I was a working student. I didn’t depend on anybody for my degree, I worked my ass off for it.

I’m ashamed of my grades, yet I conveniently forget that my learning wasn’t strictly conducted within the confines of a classroom. I was out there in the streets doing what a lot of people my age are scared of doing: dissing the establishment.

And I guess working for a Congresswoman is nothing to be ashamed of. She speaks my words — my words are in her statements and in her speeches. She’s speaking in my language!

And as for the love department, well, okay, THAT one needs a little bit of work. But in all humility, the few brave souls who dared can’t accuse me of being a lousy lover.

So I guess I really should kick myself in the rear everytime I try to put me down. If I do that then who else is going to do my P.R. work for me, right? I guess I should stop measuring my worth against the yardstick of my mistakes. I didn’t turn out all that bad! Sure, I have a long way to go but damn it, don’t feel sorry for yourself, dude!

If I am to go by Paolo Coelho’s words then there must indeed be a reason for everything. Though I stumble and fall, it can only mean that when I do get it right then it will be worth it.

So what if I’m not perfect? My life choices may not have been for the best. They may have been ill-thought of. They might not have given me the things other people have but take for granted: a committed relationship, a glamorous paycheck, fame, cars and credit cards, a blurb on the lifestyle section of the Philippine Star or a billboard with my name in neon lights along EDSA.

But for a moment I can take a deep breath and thank whoever is up there for what I do HAVE: friends who accept me for who I am, a family that has taught me what it means to be a decent, respectful citizen, a mind that can think for itself, convictions that inspire me to look at the world beyond my own concerns, a house I can still afford to pay and where I can always rest my weary head, food on the table three times a day and simply the chance to breathe the air again and again with each new day.

Hope is a neglected lover, Negativity a seductive mistress, and I have much to apologize for my indiscretions.

So this year will be a year in which I will deal with the cards I’m dealt. Of course there will still be tough times ahead, but so what. I say ‘bring it on’. I look forward to what challenges are lined up for the next twelve months.

This year will be a year in which I will stop singing love songs to no one. The world is a rhapsody of so many tunes, and surely there are better songs out there that are not just about men and their mysterious ways.

This year will be a year in which I will also step up and step out. No more shirking from responsibilities. Just this morning I took up a part-time engagement with an NGO where I will be doing some additional media work, and I am excited by the idea of working on agrarian reform issues.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I left the safety of my comfort zone and went out with complete strangers and actually had a great time hanging out with the people from Amnesty International. It really pays to expand your social horizon. Surprise, surprise, the world is indeed a bigger place than Friendster, adn I even got the chance to meet a crush!

This year will be a year in which I will also pay more attention to feeling good about myself physically and sartorially. Okay, this sounds shallow but the grungy-fashionably-sensitive-but-too-cool-to-care attitude is just so 90s, and it has got to go. Just a little tweaking here and there but I’ll still be the same old me. Hopefully with ripped abs, to boot.

This year will also be a year in which I will tear down some walls that refuse to come down between me and my brother. I barely know him, yet I love him, simply because he IS my brother and nothing will change that. Libya might be a universe away, but there’s always e-mail.

All in all, I think 27 will be a nicer place than 26. Not much will change, for sure. There will still be bills to pay, and on top of that an amortization to cover. But as I’ve said before, I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try. I feel good about 27. It’s like a personal turning point from the angst, confusion, senselessness, anger and bitterness of 26, 25, 24, 23 and 22. And if I find myself standing on 30 and alone and want to kill myself then I hope I’ll have 27 to look back to as the age when I finally stood up and said “I can make it on my own, so quit whining and just keep moving on.”

How bold, eh? But true. I honestly feel good after some time. So much so that I can finally declare: my own private quarter-life crisis is over. I can’t wait for the next quarter to begin.

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2 Comments »

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  1. very sublime

  2. thanks em. dalaw ka lagi ha? gimik naman tayo minsan.

    -vince–>


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