Me

August 7, 2004 at 9:25 pm | Posted in the L word | 4 Comments

August 7, 2004

Where does one go in order to find love? Everybody keeps saying you don�t go looking for it. It finds you. But if this is true, and everybody believed in it, won�t we all end up waiting? So who�s going to do the searching?


I sought it out because I believed love is always in need of a little push. In a world where the �meet market� is crowded with pretenders and shallow assholes, I wanted to find that tiny little corner where I could feel safe and secure. I didn�t know who or what to look for, because I always said that all you need are sparks, and that you shouldn�t judge someone based on where they�ve been or what they�ve done. Loving someone means dealing with the package as it comes, no questions asked.

Then I realized that I was exacting the highest standard of all. For how many among us can truly say that we can love someone without making some sort of judgment? How unconditional can we get in giving our love, except for that kind of love which is reserved for our mothers and fathers?

I keep thinking about it. Is my approach just too idealistic? Am I too intense? Am I too sentimental? Am I lacking in social grace, tact, and honesty? Or am I just plain ugly? Are my walls really that impenetrable?

As a tired and trite song goes, if one finds the place, how does one recognize the face? For far too many times I got it wrong:

It�s not the Collegian. It�s not the young man who sleeps beside me on weekends while we wait for bleeding drafts to come in.

It�s not in my long-lost friend Karla�s pool. It�s not the sweet, funny guy who kept me on the phone for hours.

It�s not the Bistro. It�s not in the eyes of a young turk whom everybody wants but can never have.

It�s not in a city half a thousand miles away. It�s not the stranger in tight shirts with long hair fascinated with ashtrays and funeral parlors.

It�s not in Kit�s party. It�s not the guy whose name I kept calling out as they dragged me, wasted and wounded, off the street and into a couch.

It�s never in any place near where I am. It�s never the guy I almost thought it was. It makes me think whether this is karma working its way to me. Am I paying for some other mistake I made in some other lifetime? Surely, the pain I have caused other guys can not amount to the pain I�ve been dealt. That isn�t being insensitive, just a statement of a highly unimpeachable fact.

I�m getting less than I�m giving, and it sucks. I want to put a stop to it. It�s sad, on the other hand, because I have so much more to give and no one�s taking it. I�m ready and able and willing and no one seems to notice, and no one cares. So why should I?

I�m down with this second-hand emotion, this sweet, but old-fashioned notion. I�m tired of another �used to be�.

Maybe it�s time to stop believing love means having to make so much sacrifices. Love isn�t about playing the role of the martyr. It�s not about chasing after anyone. Maybe it�s time to stop thinking love has to hurt to feel good, that love is best understood when it is out there for everyone else to see. Maybe it�s time to stop believing wearing your heart on your sleeve is the only way to go. Maybe it�s time to stop believing love finds you because you�re not afraid of showing how hurt you are.

Or maybe I�m wrong. There�s nothing wrong with me nor in the way I look at love. It�s just those guys that didn�t work out right. There�s no need to blame love.

Maybe it�s just time to focus on me instead. Not as someone else sees me, but as I really am. It�s time to find empowerment in solitude, not to be cowed by its overwhelming power. After all we�re all still alone at the end of the day. So I guess I should settle with the fact that I�m just me, nothing more, nothing less. I�m not the perfect someone. I might not even be The One for anybody, but I am Someone, with or without someone else.

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4 Comments »

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  1. Or maybe you should just enjoy being “Someone, without someone else,” while you haven’t met your The One yet. 😉

  2. Well you know what, I’m not too keen on the idea of The One anymore. Like Charlotte said on SATC, ‘maybe that’s bullshit’. 🙂

    I’ve taken myself off the market for a while. I’m stopping getting proactive and aggressive. I’m just focusing on myself for now. I’m htinking of picking up a hobby, actually. Hehehe.

  3. Hi Vince. It’s as if you’re speaking on behalf of a lot us – been there, and now jaded…Nice article!
    This is Shirley F. (Eileen’s friend and dormmate)…Remember C3? Nice talking with you…and to more talks in the future…I can see that we almost have the same “drama” in life…hehehe…

  4. Hi Shirley. Thanks for the kind words. Of course, I remember you, friendster!! 🙂 Yes, I hope to get together again sometime. Para no more dramas in our lives. 😀

    btw, I never really thought of myself speaking for nayone else, but it’s a welcome feelign to know there are people out there who can empathize with my sentiments. :D–>


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