Giving Up

February 28, 2004 at 5:15 pm | Posted in the L word, The Side of Me You Didn't Know | Leave a comment

Who am I kidding? You’re never out of mind when you’re out of sight. When you’re near I want to put my arms around your waist and pull you close. This morning at half-light I dreamed I was kissing you.

I pretend I don’t care when people put you down. But the truth is I’m mad because I still see the good out of all the bad I hear about you.

And it gets worse when I think about the futility of it all and the absurdity of my obsession. It’s utterly naive of me to think a couple of dates can take you off my mind when the mind is a dangerous thing when your imagination runs wild.

Usher said you got it bad on at least two occasions: when you’re out with someone but you keep on thinking about somebody else; and when you�re stuck in the house and you don�t want to have fun because you�re thinking about someone else. I have it worse. I think of ways not to think of you but the irony is that I need your presence to remind me so.

Time and again, the insistence of possibilities draws me back to second-guessing the wisdom of my decisions. But the plain facts speak louder than even the limits of my pride allow me to accept them.

Yet acknowledging my emotions for what they really are should not be taken as a cue to raise the white flag anytime soon.

And that is the wisest yet saddest part. It�s not enough to know how you feel, when how you feel cannot change the way things are. There are some things you just never say out loud when walls are all you have left to talk to.


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