Thank You

September 27, 2003 at 7:52 pm | Posted in Friends, Musings and Epiphanies | Leave a comment

(an open letter for friends)

Sometimes I get to thinking – I don’t say “thank you” often enough. I have to apologize for that. Maybe I am selfish without being aware of it. Thankfully, with age comes a certain level of self-awareness and I am more aware now than I was perhaps not later than just a year ago.

And what a year it has been indeed. From my tempestuous departure from a horrible job to my appendectomy to my introduction to my newfound political family, the proverbial roller coaster ride I call my life has been through some fantastic new heights, and to some devastating lows in the past year. A lot of times I have doubted myself, doubted others, kept myself wrapped up in self-pity and unnecessary recriminations, failed to seize initiatives or simply didn’t care enough to reach out. I’m not about to make a promise that I will stop doing those things, but admitting my weaknesses is perhaps one tangible proof I’m headed for maturity now that I’ve just hit 26. Either that or I am just in the denoum�nt of a possible quarter-life crisis.

Often I forget to say thank you to a kind gesture or some favor done to me (specifically, my hospitalization last year!). But please keep in mind that even though I am not good with details, I never forget how people made me feel. It’s just that a lot of times I feel like I’m living my life for someone else, like I am always putting someone else’s interests before my own, or putting on a show for someone else’s eyes – which you would probably agree with if you know enough about me and the kind of life I live. Sometimes I feel like the world owes me a favor and refuse to accept it when things do not go my way.

But during my selfish fits, I forget that the world does not revolve around me, and maybe — just maybe — I should stop thinking about what is due me, but just try to give out more.

I am not a very expressive person. I often find it difficult to express how I really feel, because I’m afraid of being vulnerable and being seen as weak. But I guess that’s the point. When the chips are down and when I am at my lowest of lows, that’s precisely the moment I can see clearly just who I can rely on. When I am hurting or just plain dismissive of the world around me, it’s nice to know there are still people out there who will still have me as a friend anyway despite my flaws. When my sense of self-worth is in question, when I can’t say what I want to say right there and then, it’s nice to know there are people with whom I can be with without having to be anything except myself. And when I get to thinking about how incomplete my sense of self is, it’s nice to just have people who will not mind being around me even if I don’t say a word. It’s wonderful to know that my friends are easy to find, even when I am being difficult.

So thank you for putting up with me even if I choose to withdraw inside myself. Thank you for not judging me as a contemptuous asshole, which is what I really am. Thank you for the encouragement for all those times when there were clouds in my coffee. Thank you for understanding my temperament and making me realize that my happiness does not have to depend on any other person. Thank you because tomorrow when I wake up to more challenges, more struggles and yes, even more heartaches, you’ll still be there. Thank you for your patience with my Zen mush and my compound sentences.

Thank you for being a friend.

Vince 🙂


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