No One Knows Except the Both of Us

August 29, 2003 at 4:00 pm | Posted in the L word, The Side of Me You Didn't Know | 1 Comment

Nobody will know about you. I promise.

I will keep this secret if you keep your end of the bargain. Make sure you don’t tell anybody, especially the few friends that we have in common. Don’t tell them how I revealed myself to you only to be turned away. They’ll never believe it anyway. Who would’ve thought –?

After all, a few of them have even turned to me, confessing how you drove them crazy with that supposedly harmless smile and disarming charm of yours. You seem to know just how to break down other people’s defenses even as you continually build those impenetrable walls around you.

But at this point, it would be best to keep silent. Just take in the music from the stereo while you drive me home. Drop me off at some point and speed off until you’re out of sight. And the next time we see each other, I will give you the option to look away if you see me. You know how vulnerable I get when I see you walk in.

Nobody will know about you. I promise.

Because the next time I see you I won’t think about this burden at all. I may not forget, but I can pretend. You won’t see me use that secret smile which you know I use only for you. I won’t ask you how you are and what is keeping you busy these days. I will simply watch you move and follow your eyes as they rest on someone else’s cheeks.

Should you decide to walk up to me, we won’t talk about that letter, and if you have any further questions, don’t bother asking for there will be no answers. I will hide my pain, and no one will know your name, if you promise to stay friends with me after this.

I will carry this shame with dignity if you can carry a lie until the clock has moved forward and we can look back and laugh at this. If you can pretend you’re still comfortable with me then I will act as if nothing happened. Which is not that difficult to do, since nothing really did. Given that, this promise should be easy to keep, and I’m sure this mess I made won’t make much of a lump once swept under the rug.

Nobody will know about you. I promise.

You can wash your hands clean for absent sins, if you can honor my request for silence. You won’t have to say sorry and I won’t be expecting an apology. Mistakes like this happen to a lot of people all the time, right?

It was just my turn to play the fool. My turn to jump off a cliff, and end up in the orthopedic ward. It wasn’t my first time, and I’m almost certain it won’t be the last.

And if you can come up with a good excuse why you weren’t there when I fell, then we can end up as good friends and you can turn to me when it’s your turn to suffer a couple of broken metaphorical bones when you make that jump at the wrong time as well.

Nobody will know about you. I promise.

If you can forgive the crazy things I did just to be near you. If you can still think me normal if I admit I walked down your street just the other day. If I admit that when I’m on the road I keep hoping to see you drive by and have developed a habit of looking out for license plates hoping it would be yours.

If you can be patient with all the messages I send you by “mistake” and all the occasional e-mails littered with my nonsense like spam. If you can understand why sometimes I put you down, it is only because I think your ego needs to be brought down a notch for your own good.

Nobody will know about you. I promise.

Maybe not until three years have passed and the calendar says it’s January 2002. Until we’ve searched for separate lights at the end of different tunnels or if the train has left; with me standing on this platform and a damned tune is stuck in my head. Then and only then, will I finally admit, that 1999 was just a dream away and I watched you in your sleep and wished I could stretch out my arms to rest your head on my chest. Not until I break our agreement and my lips betray my own silence and another soul finds out.

Then and until then, nobody will know except you and I.


1 Comment »

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  1. This is a WONDERFUL entry, Vince. I feel you.–>

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