No White Flag

there are just things words can’t illustrate without the need to do so much explaining.  there are things that make one sad, for example, but what is the use of saying, “i’m sad” when there would be just too many questions instead of answers which one needs more of?  or one could say “i’m happy” but what does the sum of one’s happiness amount to in times when there just isn’t enough room in this world for happy things?

“where have you been hiding?”

meredith said it quite sufficiently in a recent rerun.  “i’ve become one of those people — who are so miserable they can’t be around normal people anymore.”

i’m just not in that place right now, you know?  where i can easily relate and function like “normal” as “normal” gets around nowadays.  everything looks screwed from where i’m seeing them, and i am beyond pissed.  maybe once i’m done with this moving out thing i can gain a fresh perspective.

more than anything right now i want control, and control demands certainty.  but when things are as yet uncertain there is just a build up of anxiety that one can’t shake off so easily.  why not just pack everything up and go elsewhere, like singapore? how’s that for really moving? why try getting into grad school if you think you want to go abroad anyway? sigh.  if i could just get a  glimpse of what i would be doing five years from now — in more concrete terms i’d be happy.  but that, like everything else, would be too much to ask.